So what happened? How did I make the changes that you all see today? I started by tapping back into the group that has formed around Juna and Sabine. I began to attend Bars exchanges and classes they were holding and I got to know some amazing people. Juna and Sabine and the other people I grew to know supported me in what I was working through and they didn’t allow me to continue lying to myself.
In our society, I feel like one of the most unfortunate things is that we expect ourselves and each other to be so independent. How that translated into my life and into the lives of many other people I know, is that we believe that if we can’t do things without assistance, there’s something wrong with us. We aren’t strong enough or smart enough or… fill in the blank… enough and that means that we’re unworthy, weak, failures… Are you getting the idea that some of the things you’ve been told or have learned from your time on this earth have been anything but helpful to you? Perhaps some of the ideas you carry around with you every day in your life are actually harming you, killing your spirit, even holding you back? What could you be if you could change your ideas and change the way you look at yourself? What change could you create by simply being you?
One night, in one class, Sabine would no longer let me run away. I started into my “poor me” story and she called my bluff. She continued to question and challenge me until the breakthrough I’d been struggling with, finally came. In a single moment, I yelled back at her, “Does this look like the body of a happy and healthy woman?!” and everything changed. I realized that I wasn’t happy not because of what other people had done to me or because of some bad hand I’d been dealt. I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t living my life. I was reacting to everything that happened but I wasn’t ever consciously choosing what I wanted and taking steps to create that life. My entire life had been spent in a place of reaction and my whole being was exhausted with playing that game. So I finally woke up and decided to take action.
That weekend, I found a used Bowflex workout machine and bought it. I started using it regularly and over time began to notice changes in my body. Eventually the reason for working out became because I wanted to and because it felt good. I wish I could give you some magic number of pounds I’ve lost, but the truth is that I’m refusing to look at the scale. I work out because I want to and my body loves to move and I’ve become more conscious of what I’m eating, but I’ve realized that numbers on a scale are just one more thing I use to beat myself up about. You know those gremlins in your head that tell you you’re not… fill in the blanks…? Believe me when I tell you that there is not another person on the face of this planet that can judge me as harshly as I can judge myself. So I am choosing to not give the gremlins any ammunition.
I can tell you that I feel stronger, I have more stamina, and that a couple of weeks ago when getting ready to go and speak for a group, I made a pile of dress pants that I can no longer wear because they’re too big. This time, it’s about my health and how I feel, not about losing a certain number of pounds. My intention is to change my life – not my size – because I now understand that every time I’ve gone on a diet, it was because I believed that by losing 20 (or 30 or 40 or 50…) pounds my life would magically transform. It took me many years to put on the weight and I’m ok with it taking time to take it off. I now understand that my weight was just a symptom of a much larger problem.
Another change is in my relationships. I now have amazing and supportive friends I meet with regularly and find myself laughing and spontaneously singing and dancing through my days. My marriage has never been stronger and my relationships with my family of origin are changing. Possibly most importantly, my relationship with myself has radically changed. I have begun to see myself as a truly unique creation with gifts and talents that only I possess and a thing of beauty. All of us have gifts and talents, but the combination of mine and yours and everyone else’s are completely unique to that individual. No one else can sing the song of your life my friend. It’s your song to sing. When you find your voice and begin to live from that place, magic happens. You can change the world by offering it the truly amazing gift that only you can be. Magic!
The last change I’m going to share with you here is in my business. The truth is that I am NOT a Bookkeeper and Business Woman. I am Jackie Emmons and I have a bookkeeping business. I also have many other talents that are beginning to emerge and what I can create using those talents is completely unique to me and my business. So, about 6 months ago, I sat down and consciously decided which clients I wanted to continue to work with and I let all of the other people go. I gave up trying to find the “right” person to work for me and am creating a program within my business that allows me to do the parts of my business that make me happy and help other bookkeepers grow their businesses in the process. I now work with clients I truly enjoy, and am developing other business ideas, some of which you’ve already probably heard about and some that will be announced in the new year. I am creating the business I desire, offering services in a way that only I can. And the most beautiful thing is happening. I am really beginning to love my work. How does it get any better than that?
So my friends, that is what’s happened that has helped me to create a change in my writing, my speaking, my entire life. I am so deeply grateful for every one of you who may be reading this and have been part of this transformation and I am thankful that I had the courage and fortitude to face what needed to be faced and take the steps to move away from what wasn’t working.
My sincere hope for this newsletter is that it will provide you with inspiration and tools for transformation and growth in your businesses and in your lives. Thanks so much for sharing your time with me. Take care and see you next time!