Out of the Box… with Jackie – Part 2

Hello again and welcome back to my story. When we left off, I was at Harmonics of Healing and a lovely woman had taken me by the hand and brought me into a circle of women who were dancing to the drumming.

I must tell you, I was incredibly uncomfortable. I now understand that I had completely separated from myself and had stopped communicating with my body. I can’t tell you the last time I had engaged in any kind of planned physical activity and my life was spent almost exclusively sitting at my computer working. I was very serious about my bookkeeping practice and was spending all of my time and energy (and a lot of money) on showing the world just how serious a Business Woman I could be. I had an office on the top floor of a building with a beautiful view of downtown London. I had a revolving door of staff because I could never find the “right” person but I was absolutely determined to grow my business so I kept on trying. I was expanding and growing my client base at an alarming rate and often found myself sitting in my office late into the evening working. As you can imagine, this left almost no time for me to have a life of any kind. My relationships were suffering, my health was suffering, and I was headed for a complete breakdown at break-neck speed. There was no joy or fun in my life, but I was a really great Bookkeeper and Business Woman…

As I danced around the room, all of these things were beginning to play through my mind. Not quite consciously, but I can say with certainty that this was the night things began to move for me. My body enjoyed moving so I started to try to let myself go and simply move to the music. As you can imagine, that went really well. I probably looked like I was having violent spasms, but I was trying to move and let myself go…

Then came the meditation and oh, what an experience. The drummers had several different instruments that created soft and soothing sounds. They turned off the lights, we laid down on the floor on yoga mats, and everyone shut up. Can you imagine a room full of dozens of women and no one saying a word? It was awesome. As we lay there silently, the drummers slowly moved through the group with instruments that mimicked sounds like birds and wind moving through leaves and I began to actually relax. This was my very first meditation and the first time I can consciously remember noticing a shift in the energy in a room. As I lay there, I could feel a stillness and a peacefulness wash over me and for the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t thinking about next steps with my business, work that was waiting on my desk, or anything else that connected me to the outside world. I was simply “being”.

That night, I shared a room with another good friend and a bottle of wine or two. We talked into the wee hours about our hopes and dreams for the future. We laughed and shared, and eventually fell asleep.

The following day was filled with speakers and breakout sessions. One of our first speakers was another beautiful lady who has played a significant role in my transformation, Sabine Hildebrandt. She talked about how we “divorce” ourselves from ourselves in order to get by in this world. She also talked about rocks and dolphins and about trying to be something you’re not in order to “fit in”, and I began to feel something shift. I didn’t realize that other people felt like I felt. Like a hamster on a wheel, always trying, trying, trying… Trying to be a “good” daughter, a “good” mother, a “good” wife, a “good” friend… Trying to follow the rules and do the “right” things… Trying to be respectable, worthy, serious, insert your own words here… Trying to make myself into a successful person in a society that measures success with a very specific ruler. And no matter how hard I tried, I never quite got it right. I wasn’t the only one who felt that way? I wasn’t alone? And I wasn’t secretly going crazy? What revelations! Imagine that a single talk could have such an impact.

There were several other amazing speakers that day, but my mind was really engaged in processing this whole idea that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I’d always felt. Until I found myself in a breakout session led by Juna Guetter, the lady who had brought me into the dancing the night before. It turned out that Juna and Sabine are partners in life and in business, so it isn’t really a surprise that Juna’s talk had the same sort of energy as Sabine’s. Juna spoke about trusting yourself to know everything you need to know and that was it. It was all over for the person I had been up to that point in my life.

I found myself waiting after the session until everyone had gone so I could speak with her. Something about their combined messages was speaking to a place so deep inside me I didn’t even know it existed and I was compelled to hear more of what they had to say. I have no recollection of what Juna said to me, but I can tell you that it was as though a dam burst. I had been holding so much back for so long and this new message was like an artist knowing exactly the right place to tap a rock to make it crack and come apart in just the right way. We spoke for only a few minutes and with her help, I finally allowed tears to flow that had probably been trapped inside me for years. There was no going back, the transformation had begun.

What happened when I left the retreat? We’ll have to save that for next time…

2 thoughts on “Out of the Box… with Jackie – Part 2

Leave a Reply